Authors note-This was a journal entry that we did for the ocean. It used to be a block of writing, but I decided to try putting it in poem format, so tell me what you think of it now please. :)
It's a bueatiful day at the beachYou're walking through the sand,
just by yourself,
no one around.
The waves come in
and collapse around your feet,
The warm sun beets down on your shoulders. Humming birds are softly singing in the distance.
Exotic frogs are croaking,
and nothing could possibly be more peaceful.
You walk through the warm sand
and lay down on your sun warmed beach towel, close your eyes
and just imagine everyday being like this.
The sound of the ocean is still quietly echoing in your ears as you gradually...
fall..
asleep...
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ReplyDeleteI think I might change the point of view that it's in.. I'm not sure if I like it.
ReplyDeleteI think you should keep it! This entry is really great, and I like how you used different words in your vocabulary choice, and at the end I got a really awesome mental picture of somebody falling asleep on a beach from that last sentence. Keep up the good work! :)
ReplyDeletei really like this. it sounds good. but u made a mistake in the first sentence with the word "You;re" you I think you ment to say "you're"
ReplyDeleteI really like it. Please delaney keep it. It's a very solid piece. I think you should make it longer to make it better.
ReplyDeleteI love the point of view! It makes me feel like I'm there. It's almost like I am the one who is drifting off to sleep on the beach. Great job!
ReplyDelete~Katelyn
Definately keep the point of view! I can practically see the ocean in front of me!
ReplyDeleteIt was beautiful Delaney. I can really imagine being there.
ReplyDeleteKeep the way it is. You were really descriptive.
ReplyDeleteYou shoulde really keep the piece. It's so peacful and beautiful. I love the way you di dht elast sentence.
ReplyDeleteI like the point of view as it is but you could try changing it too, it would put a completly differnt twist on it but in a good way. I agree with Caitlin though that maybe next time go back and check for spelling mistakes but other than that great job, and I love your meez btw, I used to be in gymnastics too :)
ReplyDeleteI need ice 2cream now, because when I'm tired I need to eat ice cream to stay awake. I escpecially like how you space fall and sleep.
ReplyDelete